It’s true. I don’t. I just don’t. What’s going on? The world’s a place I don’t particularly want to be in anymore. I was sitting in my friends room, just thinking as Halo got too much for everyone A-gain. Not thinking about anything in particular, just thinking. There’s too much going on at the minute. My mum is disapointed in me and I feel ashamed, my friendships are getting strained, I don’t know what else to say because it’s all been said before. Too many secrets. Too much pain. Too much despair. Too much paranoia. Too much suffering. Too much helplessness. Why? I don’t know. I see all of my friends, and they are hiding things from me, things they are worried about, scared of, thinking about. Then again I’m one to talk, I keep thinking what’s the point in making them feel worse by me talking? There is none so I’ll keep it. It’s my own problems not anyone elses. I agree with Eminem: “you should be a comedian, God damn, but unfortunately I am, I just hide behind the tears of a clown”. Better to make people smile than trouble them with your personal burden right? Plus, if I did say something, what can I say? A lot of it is mental anyway. There are things going on in my mind that I have no idea about, but they terrify me at the same time. What the Hell is going on in there? No idea, your guess is as good as mine. I get angry over nothing, upset Over everything, worry about anything., paranoid about everything. Every action, every consequence, every irrationality, every reaction, every thing that happens I analyse as to how it will affect others. That’s why I can’t make decisions because one of the consequences could be detrimental. Ask me where I want to go and I’ll have an answer there, but it’s staying where it is, because if I say it the other person/people may get angry, upset, etc and I don’t want that so best to avoid confrontation right? That’s right I’m a coward, fucking terrified of everything. I admit it. It’s true. I’m scared of myself, what I’m capable of. I overreact, I react wrongly I.e. anger instead of compassion for no reason. What the Hell is wrong with me? Physically on the surface there’s no evidence except spots(pimples) which come up because of stress and my half eaten nails. Then under that there are the convulsions. I attribute them to the withdrawals after trying to stop Dr. Pepper, but they are nervous convulsions. Nerves about everything that happens, could happen, won’t happen but possibly could no matter how irrational. Under that in the mental and subconcious level is the source of the problem. An overwhelming need to be liked, overwhelming need not to disapoint, overwhelming dissatisfaction with my own being, actions, existence. Who am I? Unimportant, rambling, nervous, exagerative, insane, unstable, overweight, easily manipulated, untrusting loser. Nice combination. People say they care, but why should they? Why? I’m as insignificant as a grain of sand in Death Valley, just sitting in the sun being jostled by wind, but not moving, not doing, not important. The neverceasing headaches are a sign of my insanity along with my continuous physical imbalance and spells of “heart attacks” accompanied by dizziness. Mental instability, insanity, public uncertainty, physical repulsiveness. Great combination. Bloody brilliant. Just marvellous. But under all that must be some unwarranted conceitedness since my answer to how are you is wonderful. A disgrace to my friends, a disapointment to my family, a mess to myself. What a description. I can’t take much more. Much more manipulation, many more lies, much more despair. I just can’t take it. I’m sure I’m going to have breakdown sooner or later. And then there’s the darkness. The never ceasing, all consuming darkness. What is in there? What is it that is terrifying me so much? Why are you there? Why? Go away! Please. Please. I don’t know anymore. I just don’t have a clue. I’d like to be like Dr. Who, always traveling, always running away, always in different places, no everlasting problems because of the continuous distractions. Oh I wish it could happen, just to release the pressure. But it won’t. I’ll continue being an insane despot disapointing everyone around me, never speaking my mind, terrified of anything, walked all over by even the closest of friends. Looks like I am reserved to the same fate as I have suffered forever. No worries, I’m used to my own insignificance, insanity, awkwardness, and unnecssariness. Looks like my answer will always be wonderful. It hasn’t got me in trouble so far. “Things don’t change, they only stay the same.” Best way to be really. I don’t know anymore.