I want to write so much into a blog but I don’t want to say a lot of the things because of the consequences that could come about because of it. Call me a coward if you want but it’s the truth. I’ve been very distracted lately because of certain things and I don’t know why. I’m paranoid someone’s following me, so paranoid that I saw someone when I was getting in my car I saw a man in a black and red leather jacket standing in the shadows and he disapeared. I think I saw him again in Borders. What does that mean? Does that mean there is someone following me? Or is it a subconcious creation of mine? I don’t think that’s what’s been distracting me though. I think that has been more what has been going on with my friends. I’ve gone into that before, so I won’t elaborate. But it is something I think a lot about. Today I nearly crashed because I was lost in my own thoughts. I wonder how many people will look at this and go “oh he doesn’t have any problems, he’s always
happy”. Maybe I don’t advertise my problems. Maybe my problems are thinking about how I can help you with yours. Maybe I’m naturally depressed and I hide it. Maybe. There are certain things that I’ll share with you now. I’m sick of being ignored. I sit there listening to what people have to say and I try to add to the conversation and what happens? Silence and then the next topic. Now I’m not saying this happens all the time with everyone, but it happens a lot. Another thing that is more common place than the ignorance is the interruptions. I talk and someone interrupts. Maybe what you have to say is important, but please unless you’ve just broken out in measles or there’s a fire, would it be possible for me to finish? Thank you. Now I’m not accusing anyone or putting anyone down, just asking politely. Next, I hate how people expect so much from me and then when it comes to the same thing from them I’m not extended the same courtesy. So am I a lesser human being than you? Would you like me to lie down so you can have easier access to walk all over me? Fuck you. Show me some fucking respect. I might not be the King, but you’re no fucking monarch either. Lording over everyone, get off your fucking high horse. It’s not all about you you you, it’s everyone in this together so have some self fucking respect and treat others as equals, not as doormats. Another thing, I always try to be honest and truthful, I’d be lying if I said I was telling the truth every second of every day, but I try my best. Is it too much to ask to have that same courtesy extended to me? I know we aren’t all completely honest all the time, everyone lies, decieves, hides things, but at least tell the truth sometimes. “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” is a perfect example. Boy cries wolf everyone runs to help, wolf isn’t there, they are mad, he laughs, they leave. He does it again. Then a wolf does come, he shouts for help, they ignore him, he’s the main course, who’s laughing now? If I’m sitting there thinking that everything you’re saying is bullshit, what happens when it’s truth? I’m not going to believe it. Sundays. Sundays to me are family day. I don’t want to do things Sunday because one time I was out on a Sunday and my mum said, “it’s not the same without you. Me and Darryl(my stepdad) were playing Trivial Pursuit(family game) and Darryl was setting up the pieces and put your’s(mine) on the board. Then he took them off and said, “I forgot it’s just us”. “. I was fucking devastated. I felt so guilty because of that. I stayed up all night thinking of what I’d done. It probably sounds like it’s not a big thing, but I love my family. I hate thinking that I’ve hurt them. Even with little things. So now Sunday is devoted to family. I’m the same with friends. I’ll say something and then think “what if they didn’t get the sarcasm?” or “oh god I bet that was my fault”. I’m always worrying that I’ve offended my friends. Always. Especially if I say something and then there’s silence. I’ll think that I insulted someone. And then I’ll dwell on it and then I’ll just not talk until I know they weren’t insulted. If no one says anything then I’ll just sit there thinking about it. So if I’m ever extremely quiet and look distracted I’ll probably have thought I’ve insulted you. How many people read this blog and thought, “he’s weak, he doesn’t know what real problems are. He’s got the easy life, he doesn’t have a job, his classes are a breeze, he doesn’t have family problems”? My response? Fuck you. You don’t know me and some of you don’t want to know how I feel about you. So just think maybe the book isn’t like it’s cover. Maybe my overactive imagination is making me think I’m about to be killed or that the lift was going to drop this afternoon. Maybe behind closed doors, mainly the one that is locked and bolted shutting in my mind, all is not so well. I’m still wonderful, but with all this decieving, being brought down, being walked all over, being disrespected, being an outcast, is attributing to that wonderfullness being stabbed, drowned, and being thrown off a very tall building and may eventually disapear. While I sit here taking this shit it will diminish, so you arseholes that are attributing to that whittling down to the only thing I have, my wonderfullness, look out. I might snap. I almost snapped twice this week. So just fucking watch yourselves. I’m going to stay wonderful and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. So piss off, throw yourselves off a pier and I’ll move on with my life while you drown in your own pitiful, selfish, pety, callous, demoralising existence. As the great rapper Sanity said, “If you want to push me beyond the line you will only know the sound of the haunting flatline”. Just try me.

I am wonderful. Just try taking that away.